just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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