Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I see more hoeing in ur future
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
