Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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