I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
