The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
In America we eat man semen.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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