Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
