How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
