my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
