Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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