i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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