I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
