dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
