mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
this beer tastes like vomit already
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
