i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
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I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
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Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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