They should really pass out barf bags in church
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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