well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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