i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
