Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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