So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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