I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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