The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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