All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize