Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
