I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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