can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
be right there i have to get my cape
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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