You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
