I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
my liver is dry heaving
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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