i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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