I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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