The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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