I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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