She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
