did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
