My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
