cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
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She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
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Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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