If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
