dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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