i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
