I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
