does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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