It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
