Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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