I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
