Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
