I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
