I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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