considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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