i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
