ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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