A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize