Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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