I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
This is the high leading the old right now
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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