I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
