When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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