And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
