Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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