he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
