ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
