I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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