Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
So apparently I’m into choking now
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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