Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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