My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
