i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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