I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
